Infertility is an extremely difficult and an extremely sensitive issue. What friends or family have to say to you about it can sometimes make it worse. Even if a comment is meant to be encouraging, it can be really devastating to those trying to conceive. The most important thing is to just be careful with your words. Never assume you know what they are going through, because likely, you don’t. Even if you have dealt with infertility yourself, every situation is different.
I’ve heard lots of horror stories from others (and have my own too). Here are just 10 examples of what NOT to say to someone who may be struggling to conceive.
“Just Relax.”
Yep, you’re right. I’m spending thousands of dollars and years trying to get pregnant when I could probably just relax (eye roll). The month that we got pregnant we were told we had just a 2% chance of getting pregnant and would maybe need to consider IVF. I think that’s stressful!
“It will happen as soon as you stop trying.”
We already tried that. In fact, that’s probably how most of us started. If we do that now, we’re just wasting months where we could be tracking cycles and doing treatments that we need to do to improve our chances. The chances of getting pregnant naturally (for us) was 2%, so yes, we’re going to seek medical treatment to help improve that percentage.
“Who is it? You or him?”
Ugh this was the worst. How inappropriate is this question? Also, yes, it was me and not him. Do I want to talk about this? No.
“Pregnancy sucks, you’ll see” or “I hated being pregnant.”
Why would you say this to someone who wants to be pregnant more than anything? We get it. Pregnancy probably sucks to some people. But for me? I will take the nausea, leg cramps, and discomfort any day because it means I’m growing a baby!
“You’re actually lucky you don’t have kids.”
So many of us are doing everything we can to become parents. Don’t make your good fortune seem like a bad thing. Not to us anyway. Complaining about being a parent or about your kids is inevitable (and I will do this at some point) but do us a favor and tell your friends that are already parents.
“You’re young. You’ve got tons of time!”
Being young doesn’t necessarily mean that the picking is ripe. PCOS, endometriosis, and an assortment of other infertility issues occur in young women too. I was relatively young when we started trying (27) and I hated that people treated me like I didn’t have infertility. I’ve got one ovary and one tube, so that really has nothing to do with how old I am, thanks!
“You can always adopt!”
You don’t know where that couple is on their journey to become parents and they may already be thinking or not thinking about adoption. Adoption is deeply personal, and they may not want to discuss that. It is also extremely difficult and cost thousands and thousands of dollars so that may not be an option for them.
“I hear you’re trying to get pregnant!”
Likely, she does not want to talk about this with you. If she did, she would open-up to you about it. Also, if she is in fact trying to get pregnant, she either recently found out (again) that she did not get pregnant this month, or she is praying like crazy that this is her month. Either way, don’t ask.
“You shouldn’t have waited so long to start trying.”
Sure, the chances of getting pregnant are better in your 20s. But those in their 30s and 40s still deserve to be parents. During their 20s they may have been building a career, trying to find a partner, dealing with health issues, you name it. Also, you can’t turn back the hands of time, so this comment really isn’t helpful.
“We weren’t even trying!” or “It happened for us within X months of trying!”
Must be nice that he just looked at you and you got pregnant! Tell me more about that! But seriously, I was so happy for anyone I knew that told me they were pregnant. I LOVE success stories! But I also really don’t want to hear how easy it was.
Well, what should I say instead?
Everyone is different, so I can’t speak for other women going through infertility. But for me, I didn’t want to talk about it much. If you are hesitant to ask a question, don’t. When they want to share, they will. If they want advice, they’ll ask. I know lots of people trying to get pregnant right now and some of them have reached out to me and some of them haven’t. I know better than anyone not to ask. But if you’re reading this and you want support, I am here for you! Send me an email!
Things I would have wanted to hear:
- “Let me treat you to a massage or manicure!”
- “It sounds like you are doing everything right.”
- “How’s everything going?”
- “It will happen for you.”
- “I’m here if you want to talk.”
More than anything, just be there to listen if they want to talk or be there to distract them if they don’t want to.